“Am I enough?” He asked.
His words still echoed in my head though it had been six days since He spoke them. That same day He also said, “Give everything in ministry.”
At the time I didn’t know the events that would happen tonight, I just knew He wanted me to give everything and for me to allow Him to fill me up. Since that day I have found utter joy in the ministry the Lord has given here. Joy not just in going to La’Kennady everyday with my team to rescue kids from paint thinner addiction, but utter joy in hanging out with the nine boys that call Zion’s Gate their home. The ministry He had placed before me was vastly different from the one at Heart of Christ, yet I loved every part of it.
Since my arrival at Zion’s Gate God has placed a 15-year-old boy named Wilder on my heart. Wilder is one of the newest boys here at Zion’s Gate. He has only been out of La’Kennady for a few weeks and is still a little rough around the edges, yet a great kid all the same. This past week God kept calling me to go to the main house just to be there for and with him. Over the past few days I’ve come to truly love and enjoy our time together, whether that meant singing, dancing, playing video games, running around the yard, or just watching TV. Every day my heart broke for this kid a little more which made me want to learn Spanish even more. I wanted to be able to talk to this kid; I wanted to be able to communicate with him. And so I began getting some of the older boys to teach me.
If I wasn’t in La’Kennady, or with Wilder, then I was working on Spanish. I practice so much that I began to dream in Spanish. Yet, it was completely worth it to think about the day I would be able to talk to Wilder in Spanish. At the end of everyday as I lay in my hammock, the Lord would fill me with complete peace knowing that I had given it my all. As the days progressed God began filling me up through ministry; He would give me strength and the motivation to keep going just as I began to run low. I loved what the Lord was asking me to do; there wasn’t a thing I wasn’t enjoying.
Then yesterday happened. It was the best day thus far. After lunch had been eaten I heard God say, “Go to the house to see Wilder.” After a couple of moments I got up and started up the small hill to the house. I could see Wilder upstairs. When he saw me a smile came across his face. As I sat down beside him he acted like he didn’t want me there (just like he did every time). But still I sat with him as he ate his lunch and listened to music. After he climbed on the roof and down again and after a few more songs I heard the Lord say it was time for me to leave. As I left the house I asked the Lord to tell me how to reach this kid – this fifteen-year-old punk of a kid. “Get him to play outside today,” the Lord said.
Many people might think this would be easy, though if you know Wilder you know he will only go outside when he wants to go outside. At three o’clock I had a Spanish class with Ronny. About half way through we took the class outside where some of the boys were playing football (soccer). Wilder was one of the boys. I smiled at him; he turned with embarrassment.
When Spanish ended Wilder switched to playing softball. I went and got my camera to take pictures of him as he laughed and played like I’d never seen him before. I felt like a mom standing there taking pictures and yelling and cheering him on every time he caught the ball. At my every cheer and yell a smile would break across his face. He was out there playing for over an hour until the ball hit his hand ending the game.
He joked around with the other boys on their way back to the house; it was time for dinner. As I ate I talked to a few of my squad mates about the amazing day I had had. Not just with Wilder, but also with the other boys.
Once dinner was over I began making my way into the room where my squad sleeps. We were having an unexpected squad meeting. On my way I passed Ronny who asked if I wanted to practice my Spanish. I told him about my meeting but that I would find him afterwards to practice.
As I sat down Ken, our squad leader, begin talking. His exact words have blurred, yet I still remember why the meeting was called. “We will be heading to Guatemala tomorrow to finish out our time in Central America.” He had to repeat this several times before I understood. “AIM believes the Lord is telling them to move us”.
As the true meaning of what Ken said began to hit I realized I only had fifteen hours before I left. I’d never get to have a conversation with Wilder. I wouldn’t have Spanish class tomorrow. It all hit with a big wave of emotions. Different squad mates reached out to me knowing the relationship I had been building not just with Wilder, but also with all the boys. One of my squad-mates offered to go with me to say good-bye to Wilder knowing that will be the hardest one of them all. I told him I would take him up on his offer later, but for the night I wanted to go alone. On my way to the house I saw Ronny who had already heard and just wanted to talk. After talking to him for a few minutes I continued walking to the house. I walked passed more kids crying and hugging on different team and squad mates. As I climbed the stairs I only saw Wilder in the boy’s bedroom. I sat on the bed with him as he played on the computer. For one of the first times he actually looked at me when I sat. It didn’t take him two seconds to realize I had been crying. And for the first time I saw the compassion of this kid. He asked me what was wrong. It took me a minute to know how to tell him in Spanish that I was leaving. Somehow I did find them, “I leave for Guatemala tomorrow at 10.” He looked at me and asked me to repeat myself. I did, and when I finished I could see the words sink in. His mouth dropped, but only for a second. He asked me why, but I reached my Spanish limits and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. I didn’t even understand it myself, so I told him I didn’t know how to say it. He was upset and chose anger to express his feelings. He yelled and told me he hated me and told me to leave. I looked at him knowing he didn’t mean the words he spoke. I stood looking at this kid that I had spent hours with for the passed two weeks and could tell by his eyes that he was sad even though he was still yelling for me to get out. I left knowing my presence would only make it worse. As I walked down the stairs I met one of the other three boys I had bonded with. He hugged me and told me that he didn’t want me to leave. I tried to explain that the Lord was calling us to Guatemala for three weeks.
After a couple of hours of talking and crying with both the squad and the boys, Louis told us he wanted to watch a movie with us before we left, so that’s what we did. The boys brought their beds down making one huge pallet on the floor with five of the boys and me and two other squad mates. Wilder found his way beside me and laid down. Though he didn’t speak a word his presence spoke loud enough.
It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, but once the movie ended I was awaken by the boys talking. I got up to tell them good-bye, gave Wilder a hug, and told him “sweet dreams”. As I opened the door I looked at him and saw the sadness in his eyes. I didn’t turn back to talk to him. I left the house and my eyes started burning again with tears.
As I write this it is now way past midnight, and I know I won’t be able to sleep. I decided to write letters to the 4 boys I’ve bonded with telling them all the things I won’t get a chance to say. All of them know English and will be able to read them. Everyone that is, except Wilder. I find myself wanting to cry over the fact that I will never be able to have a conversation with him. I feel myself getting mad over what God has for us in Guatemala.
But as I sit with paper in my hand to write letters to the boys I hear Him ask, “Am I still enough?” His words hit me like a truck.
“I want you to be enough,” I reply.
“But am I?” He asks.
“Yes,” I tell Him.
It is 5 am and I am still awake. I know I won’t sleep until I’m on the 14-hour bus ride to Guatemala in 5 short hours.
“Ministry here isn’t over yet,” He says. “You still have five more hours.”
XX
