He Still Remains

  My bed is vibrating. I think someone is shaking my bed, but why would someone do that? That’s when I realized it was my alarm going off. It doesn’t feel like it should already be 7 in the morning, but somehow it is. I’m still tired; I don’t want to get up. I haven’t even opened my eyes when I grab my phone and turn the alarm off.
I’m still lying there when my cat realizes what that sound means.  He jumps on my bed and starts purring and meowing at me to get up. I reach out to pet him, but he nips at me.  He doesn’t want me; he wants the food he knows that will come when I get up. I feel used. Yet when I do roll out of bed I feed him anyway so he’ll shut him up.
After feeding him I look at the clock and realize I’ve laid in bed too long.  If I don’t start getting ready now I’ll be late. I go down stairs and make breakfast. The whole time I’m thinking about the 8 ½ hours I will soon be working. I don’t feel like going.  The gray sky doesn’t ease this feeling much, but I know this is the job God has provided, and I have no reason to complain. Still I’m not looking forward to the 8 ½ hours of filing ahead of me. I try to push all thoughts aside and think about what this job will bring. Money.  Money for this fall. This usually helps, but not today. Today the thought of still needing over $8,000 is overwhelming. I begin to doubt Him. This is an unreasonable goal I tell Him. I begin to wonder if I’ll get the money.
After getting dress I have 10 minutes to get out the door, which for me is running early. I decide to take a minute to read a couple of emails before work. This always turns into more than I planned which in the end makes me leave the house later than I should have. As soon as I see the time I leave. I get in my car. But before I start the car I hit play on my worship playlist so I can listen to this on my way to work. I’m grateful that today I’m not riding with anyone.  I don’t feel like being around people right now. After driving for about 30 minutes another alarm on my phone goes off. I know what this one says, “Thank Him”. This is the first out of 12 alarms that will go off today. I pause the music to thank Him for his faithfulness and thank Him for the job even though I’m dreading it today. After I’m done I hit the play button and keep singing in my car. I don’t want this drive to end, but after another twenty-five minutes I can see Cannon and know my worship time is over. I pull up and park my dirty little Honda next to all the new Nissan cars. My car looks so sad next to these cars. When I turn to lock my car it doesn’t want to lock…again. After a couple of minutes playing with it, it finally locks.
I go inside, head straight to the file room, and pick up the first stack of papers I’ll be filing today. I look at this 2-inch stack and think I’ll be lucky if it only takes me an hour. (It ends up taking an hour and half).  I hadn’t been in here 20 minutes when the office manager (also a family friend) comes in and tells me she wants me to meet her boss. Since I’ve only talked him once before for maybe thirty seconds I’m kind of nervous about meeting him. But instead of speaking this I said, “Sure,” and I guess it sounded like I really wanted to meet him because she seemed pleased with my response. I follow her up the stairs to his office, she introduces me to him, and he shakes my hand. My hands are a little sweaty because I’m so nervous, but he acts like he doesn’t notice. I wonder why she wanted me to meet him? He tells me that everyone at Cannon has told him what a good job I’ve done filing. I almost say, “I know”, but I’m sure he would find that arrogant. But it’s true. Right now I can’t afford not to be a good worker. I just thank him for the job knowing I know I was only hired to get the filing caught up before being unemployed again. I begin to wonder if he is about to tell me I’ve worked myself out of a job, and they no longer need me. But instead he offers me a job past filing. He waits to hear what I will say. I tell him I would love to stay until August, but I leave on August 31^st for nine-months, so I can’t stay longer than that. He asks me where I’m going and I tell him I’m going on a mission’s trip. My office manager tells me to tell him more, so I tell him where I’m going and what I will be doing. He looks at me as if I’m crazy then questions me further about this fall. After a couple of minutes of conversation he tells me he would like to donate $500 towards my trip. My mouth drops; it takes me a second or so to realize he is waiting for me to respond. But I can’t think of anything to say, except thanks. I repeat my thanks about ten times. He tells Cannon’s office manager to write me the check, and tells me I should have it by next week. I continue to thank him as I leave his office. I’m overwhelmed with joy and happiness at God’s provision.
Before I enter the file room I’m met with one the workers at Cannon who is holding my phone. He tells me he heard it going off, and didn’t want someone to steal it so he was trying to find me to give it to me. I had completely forgotten I had left my phone sitting out in a chair in the file room. It’s still going off in his hands.  I look down at it and the reminder said, “Pray for faith the size of a mustard seed”. I know the man has read it. By now he probably thinks I’m crazy. But he doesn’t say anything. I thank him for looking out for my phone, and then head back to the file room. Once I’m in there alone I first thank God for his provision and pray for him to grow my faith. In the next hour my only thoughts are on what happened up stairs. I’m still smiling; I want to tell everyone, but since he told me to keep it on the down low I try to contain my joy. Though I’m sure it still shows. It was then I realized that just this morning I had started to doubt God, and His provision. I feel ashamed. How could I have doubted Him after everything He has done? He has been so faithful, and yet still I find it hard to rely on Him. I pray for Him to grow my faith, but when things go different from the way I think they should go I doubt Him.  I know after this morning I don’t deserve this generous gift. I don’t even deserve God’s provision or He’s faithfulness. Yet He still remains faithful. I’m sitting on the floor with a stack of files in my lap, but I stop filing. I tell Him I’m sorry.  Like so many times I can’t find the words to tell God how I’m feeling. Yet He knows what I mean; He knows the words I can’t find. He forgives me like He always does. Yet, still I feel ashamed about this morning.
The next seven and a half hours goes by slower than normal, but finally it’s five till six. I decided to go ahead and get ready to leave. I go upstairs to tell my boss I’m leaving and that I’ll see her tomorrow. By the time I get outside my phone is ringing again. “It’s six”, I tell myself. I look down at my phone to confirm that it is indeed six. My phone reads, “Pray for your team”. After I’m in my car, but before I start it, I pray for my team, praying for unity among my team. After a couple of minutes I tell Him again how sorry I am; I tell Him I love Him, and I say, “Amen”. After I leave the parking lot I sigh; it has been a long day, and I’m still feeling guilty for doubting Jesus. I know He has already forgiven me and forgotten it. He doesn’t see my lack of trust, He just sees me.
 
And He still remains faithful.